I have to forget you and you and everything. I have to stop thinking that will appear sometime soon. I will not let me disturb. Your presence makes me ill. I will not give you a place in my life. As I myself have written, if you do not think do not exist. And then: DO NOT EXIST. NOT EXIST IN MY LIFE. There would only be if I gave you cabidfa and I will not give it to you.
I will act in good faith. I am acting in good faith. Without lunacy but in good faith. If things go as expected. If you eventually find that they hurt me and break my heart again, then I'll be a dumb, but have acted in good faith and will only be one more trip on my way to happiness. Where you or you have no place.
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